Police Reports from the Moscow/Pullman Daily News ~ Compiled by Jody Nicotra, resident archivist, with captions by Tiffany Midge, Moscow’s Poet Laureate
It was an average afternoon in Moscow today until all hell broke loose, and the floodgates to the underworld opened its jaws and swallowed the town. No, I’m not catastrophizing. Not at all, why do you ask? Anyway, the porcupine was apprehended, so no need to alert the National Guard and the FBI. WE GOT THIS MOTHERFUCKER UNDER CONTROL, OKAY?!
Wildlife experts and the Child Protective Services were contacted to assist local police in determining if the crying creature was human or canine. While it was concluded through rigorous testing that the creature in question was actually a puppy, and was in fact, not abandoned, authorities could not positively identify whether its owners understood that their “little dude” was a dog, and not a baby.
There’s been a rash of reports involving nefarious banana activity recently. Authorities have not ruled out monkeying-around, but in a statement issued to the neighborhood residents, the police said, “the Palouse has never had any issues with free-range gorillas, usually it’s just moose, but lock up your doors and windows tonight just to be on the safe side, you never know if Harambe’s followers might be out for revenge.” The Man in the Yellow Hat could not be reached for a comment.
Be afraid, be very afraid. I once had someone leave me a fruit basket as a house-warming gift, which prompted me to call the police immediately. The gifter was taken into custody and is serving a ten-year sentence. You never know with fruit. While bananas are certainly threatening, you haven’t felt your life flash before your eyes until someone hands you some mother-fucking kiwis.
I call fowl play! I do not consent!
Suspicious? What kind of suspicious? Like creepy-suspicious? Or stranger-danger suspicious? Was the man carrying bananas? Was he wearing a cape? Perhaps he was delivering the mail. Sometimes my UPS guy seems suspicious, who can trust a person wearing polyester brown shorts in the summertime? This report needs to be more specific.
Police called to the scene suspected the llama of damaging the plants and leaving its “unknown substance” behind. But this could not be positively determined. In any case, the llama’s owner was contacted and the llama was taken back into custody, so the town can rest easy. WE GOT THIS, OKAY? The llama gave a statement to the police that he was taking a page from Kung Fu, and attempting to “wander” the earth.
“Tell me, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?”
More Fowl play! Clearly these chickens are looking to rumble. But are they Jets or are they Sharks? Bring your children inside, chickens are on the loose! And they’re stray! STRAY, I TELL YOU. For the love of God, where’s Officer Krumpkey?!
These reports seem eerily related somehow, if you factor in coyote magic and shapeshifting. A shaman was called to the scene, but he turned into a little bird and flew away.
This sounds like a scary children’s book, or a Far Side cartoon involving captive cats, abusive, children-hating, old men, and forest animals left to perish in hit and run accidents. Someone needs to call Gary Larson! While it’s noted that the collision involved no injuries, presumably meaning the vehicle’s driver/passenger(s), it is not stated if the deer was okay. OMG, IS THE DEER OKAY?!